My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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