I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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