I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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