you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
