apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
