I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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