I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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