I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
