Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
