How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
