I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
