We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
no you cant smoke seaweed
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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