I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
God, you're like boner-b-gone
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I pour the whiskey from now on
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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