need another drink. this is the easiest way
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
