end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
