there's paper in my vomit.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
