I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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