It's Friday. Sex?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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