I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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