we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
