she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
