Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
bring money and cleavage
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Randomize
