Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
