Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
