Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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