M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
