I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
