Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i will never coherently bang her
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
