I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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