Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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