Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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