What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
