i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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