u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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