he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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