I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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