Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I think I have vodka in my lungs
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
