so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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