I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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