if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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