I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
