Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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