I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
He passed out mid-signature
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
