took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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