i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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