I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
