Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
