I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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