i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
