i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
