Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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