just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
