I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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