so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
